There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
