i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So here I am, sexting at work.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
