I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
