Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
