I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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