I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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