Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Send help, water and tortillas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
