I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
