I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
