I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
