I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
