so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
