I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
