There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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