i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
