I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
