We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
