apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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