Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
