My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
