Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
