Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
