I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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