you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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