In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
