Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
