Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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