I can text with my tongue
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
MIDGETS
????
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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