At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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