just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
