so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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