My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
