This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
