my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
