i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
