It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
