Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dick very happy bro
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
