So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
