Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
