So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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