she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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