i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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