im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Four minutes until I can fart!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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