The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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