I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
