If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
