i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
