if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize