her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
