so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
birth control should be required to get into college
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize