dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
