I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
