so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
