i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
