I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
