I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
a search helicopter?!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
