I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
