so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
