Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
