dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
