i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
