i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
